Paper or Plastic is not a greeting!

So here's my daily chew...and naturally it would include taking three small children to the grocery store-- dragging one by the ear, dangling another by the untied shoelace, and the third, well that's why God made her a girl, to give me a perfectly braided handle! 

So, here I come, ditching all the unwanted crap in the dog food aisle as usual, and attempting to push a piled-high cart, while carrying a kicking toddler like a football. I have an unbalanced gait of putting my child-less hip forward and dragging my shopping cart damaged heel behind, as I finally land at the checkout. Sigh! And I must say, here should have the benches, a foot soak... or possibly wine sampling? Something soothing and replenishing after such exertion...or at least a "Congratulations, you made it this far benchmark!" to keep a mother moving forward!

Chocolate!

Yes, that will do!

Amazing at the age of two, how a child has already conquered the game of "If I open all this crap mommy has to buy it!" and we allow them to continue defeating us until they're 18 or whatever age they reach when they're too embarrassed to shop along with us anymore.

But not today, this mommy was already paying for an empty Cheetos bag, three bakery bags holding only the shredded waxie, and 2lbs. of lunch meat with only one slice still remaining!

Instead, I rip the pack of opened M'n M's from my child's hands, and not only do I deny him of having them, but I eat them myself as my kids watch hinged at the watering mouth... 

Why? ...because I am the mother, and could not possibly face the next battle of chasing kids through the hectic parking lot, dodging potholes while hauling the tipsy cart behind like dragging a dead horse-- then on all fours trying to rescue a soccer ball or watermelon or whatever it may be today under my car, without first fueling of chocolate! That's why! And the kid was already screaming at the top of his lungs before I stole them away, so what the hell?  Really...

I already called for a mop boy twice, spent 25 minutes in a cereal aisle debate, and waved and spoke to the fresh lobster tank with each turning of an aisle, so if anything was going to restore my sanity it would surely need the assistance of some chocolate or turpentine strength booze!

Now finally, there's a few inches of empty belt available for me to begin putting my groceries on, and a light is shining at the end of this tunnel...No. really there's a light shining...flicking on and off exactly! Flashing checkout "6" needs assistance!

Every damn time, I pick the line with dilemma ahead!

Price check, I need coin, bad credit card...you name it!

Complete torture!

Was there anything worse than listening to my kids play with squeaking dog toys in the aisle behind, scream and whine for every item in the checkout, and watching a woman who's name tag read "Four years of quality service" continue her fifth year in a clueless state!? 

Meanwhile I'm losing my mind, patience, occasionally sight of my toddler destructing the aisles, and most definitely my large toe nail after that last blast of the cart over my flip flop.

However, yes I am that person...the one who can stare down a four year-old, brace up the nearly collapsing candy rack that the little baboon is hanging off, and yet one-handed continue placing my things in forward belt motion...SORTED!  

Not alphabetically, but sorted...like cold and frozen together, all the crap that will leak all over separated, and the shit I don't want my kids asking me where it went to when we get home, that's at the beginning, hidden under a cereal box for a reason! And if I can adamantly continue that process while a child thrusts the yellow "closed" checkout chain around me like a bull whip, and my littlest drops his pants at the register and threatens to shoot, than you would think the cashier could simply scan items in that order, instead of shredding through my groceries like a cat digging in a liter box. 

My eyes are black from no sleep, my face red from yelling, "Get over here!" and my shins and heels purple as kids ram the cart once again. I'm yet to go green-- but yes, I am also that person who throws a stack of reusable shopping bags at the beginning of my order. No, I am not a true tree hugger, but rather that I already have a giant wad of plastic bags rolled together larger than the base for a snowman. And just when that sucker breaks free from the disarray in the cabinet under my sink, it's going to be more dangerous than a Colorado avalanche!

So, instead I've started a collection of reusable ones, which restricts my vehicle to a seven passenger, instead of an eight, as I seem to purchase and acquire several more each trip I forget them out in my car.

Being it is summer, and the front of my order has all the cold items, I naturally put the insulated bag with the zipping top, on top of my stack of bags to use first...right?   Wrong! 

Apparently intimidated by the zipper, she whips that sucker aside like throwing a dog a frisbee, and starts swiping in an uncontrollably turret-like matter. There was no stopping her. Once she got going it was as dangerous as sticking my hands in the lawn mower blade, and where ever the barcode was found, was how it landed in the bag. Shampoo and produce, rolls and cantaloupe...

Now the only bag left was my freezer bag, perfectly wasted on this sunny 83 degree heat, for three remaining items. What better way was there to steam every Golden Gram into one glued glob, than zipping cereal into a foil lined bag with a hot rotisserie chicken? And more appropriately my ice cream was on top of several boxed items, where it was sure to catch every ray of sunshine as I went to the bank, post office, through Mc' D's, and several other stops before it would find my freezer.

Although the qualifications to become a store clerk are not highly complex, may I suggest-- if the person did not play with blocks as a child or can not complete at least two levels of Tetris, have them run a mop...not bag the groceries!!   

I'm amazed that after four years of poorly packing bags, no one has returned to smack that woman upside the head with their smashed loaf of bread or box of shattered light bulbs.   

If my bread and rolls have survived and sustained my children for 23 aisles of lunging in and out of  the cart, pepperoni stick sward fighting, and barrel rolling my watermelon-- I have really accomplished something for the day and I'll be damned if I will let it fall victim to red-shirted, paper or plastic incompetence on the home stretch!

So tell me...how a bag of three stacked one-dozen cartons of eggs, all on one side, and a loaf of bread crammed down along the other side is going to carry-- without my bread looking like I've swatted flies with it all day, after my kids left the door open, again. 

And certainly, a five pound family pack of bloody ground hamburger, on only a flimsy disc and loosely fitting wrap, should (indeed) be stood up on end and placed on top of a roll of toilet paper...then, throw a two liter of pop on top so it's weight is sure to squeeze every last drop out the bottom! What that doesn't accomplish, the 43lbs on the upside of the little pink flip flops stomping at rejection to a gumball, ought to cover.  

After six years of marriage, my husband knew exactly which week he'd better pull it together, avoid certain questioning and keep his mouth shut, just by taking a simple glance in the bathroom garbage. Now, throwing a bloody burger covered roll of toilet paper in there was going to cause my husband to count on his fingers in confusion, study a calendar, and make the work of training a new puppy all over again.

Thank you for shopping Tops... you've thrown off mine and my husband's most effective line of communication with some leaking hamburger, turned my rolls into croutons, my bread into the shape of a slipper, and encouraged me to wear steel toed boots and hockey pads while shopping with my children. Yes, a one armed man could operate a wheelbarrow full of rocks better than my kids can a shopping cart, and apparently because a squirrel can pack nuts into its cheeks it qualifies to bag groceries as well, no training necessary!