What Mama can accomplish with a pair of nylons!



The best 37 cents mother could spend!


Trying to prepare three small kids for the day and reach the doors of church before 9am with a bit of composure, is not something a mother would describe as easily done...it is nearly the challenge of fitting into pre-baby jeans, while wet and occupying one hand with the eating of an Oreo.
 
We were rushing all week long, leaving behind bowls of half-eaten soggy cereal for the flies, trails of scattered dirty p.j.'s for soaking them up after they were spilt, and the bathroom faucet still trickling a steady stream, more often than not!

Vacation Bible School, day four! Order and routine was a scarce part of our summer mornings and we tend to rely more on the, finish in the car and just put a hat on methods.

After days in the 90's, the terrible humidity caused my children to have melt downs faster than the ice cream cone left in the cup holder of my car door, and I was approaching new levels of exhaustion and misery!

If sleep was possible in this heat...the grinding of box fans, three extra little bodies kicking and sprawled in every direction of my bed, and the 'einer dog licking the sweat and salt from my skin, was making it even more impossible!

Yet, somehow by the grace of God, we were making it to V.B.S. each day and leaving three hours later, without the steeple smoldering.

My kids had went to bed late and woke up early all week. It was 89 degrees out, the busiest shopping day of the week, and was now lunch time...so, why not take three kids into Walmart!? Well, it was nearly the same lack of intelligence as rolling a child's ice cream cone in sprinkles and allowing him to eat it in the car seat.

But, I had to go... The dog was eating my kid's bread crust and vegetables because we were out of dog food. Our faucet water was smelling like the lingering of a high protein diet, and was staining the spots in bathroom sink that weren't covered by globs of kid's toothpaste, because the water softener filters needed to be changed. And I had two weddings to attend and no super-duper slimmer type of underwear for binding together the ten pounds I needed to drop for fitting into my dress.

I needed a pair that would ratchet a muffin top tighter than denture adhesive, and squish my stomach flatter than a cake baked in my house after the kids had stomped around the kitchen and hung from the oven door, repeatedly catapulted shut again.

No, no comfort was not an option here, I needed results... like three months of going to the gym results, or maybe a miracle!

I was occupied in an intense search for the perfect control top and tummy tucking, miraculous piece of spandex known to woman...and my children were destroying and playing in three aisles of women's garments! Hide 'n seek with a thong as the blindfold, giant panties pulled over their bodies like an art smock, and a game of rolling the gumball machine containers holding nylon knee-highs into the cup of an enormous bra.  Creative!

"Oh Mama! Look at my boobies!" as my kids held up bras, wore them like skull caps, and pranced around the store like spring lambs.

Cute at first, but as everyone stared, and they became as loud as the school cafeteria, I shouted, "Stop it! Knock it off!"

I would chase after them, then return to reading various underwear tags. I held up and tugged on garments, seeing if they were really capable of handling all they promised on the labels, but the kids made my search for finding a proper 5lb. sack to house 15lbs of extra fat, impossible.

The cart would slam over my heels and then race away with my purse in it. And when they ran off shouting and holding a hammock-sized bra like a banner in a parade, and nearly clotheslined an elderly woman, I had finally had enough.

That was it... I reached to my daughter and ripped the nylon knee-high puppet from her performing hand...I lassoed my obnoxious toddler by the belt loop and knotted him securely into the top basket of the cart. There he was, tethered by the pair of nylons and attempting to wiggle over the back. I had him strapped down tighter than stacked lumber on a flatbed, and as long as his pants were staying on, I could actually accomplish some shopping!   

He dangled over the seat back, bungee jumped off the side in humor, but could not escape the cart and remained in my sight, just as planned!

My daughter entertained herself with a pair of water softener binoculars for the next many aisles and my oldest was working extra hard earning a pack of gum...
I had won...

Mama- 1!  Walmart- 0!

Next, I had various other stops to make today. The common stops, like the Post Office and feeding the kids something more to ruin the back of my car, all the way to meeting the rare requests of my sister...depositing her check at the bank, and checking in on her birthing hog- yes, a pig! 

I don't know exactly what I was checking for... but, yes there was a pig...a very large, spotted one, and 13 babies... checked!

How a mother's duties know no limits!

I said a little prayer for mama pig, as she had 13 kids to look after, and I could not handle three...

Now, I just had to get three pig shit-covered kids from frolicking in the yard, back into the car without a chicken or a dog also joining, and get to the bank before closing...

Bribe! Beg! Threaten! It wasn't that difficult!

That is until you go to slam the car door shut, after loading the last child, and "bongggg!" it bounces right back open.

Immediately I think a shoe, seat belt, toy...no screams, wasn't a hand...something was in the door, again!

Nope! 

The lock was tripped and the latch will not open it, and of coarse it was the only door of the car that also had the child lock set on it! 

Her house was locked, but in my encounters of "pig checking" I notice a steak knife laying on her lawn...apparently used for cutting the bale twine, and was kept there regularly and purposely...indeed, no more questions!

I attempt to pry at the latch, but the knife is not working.

I continue to search the remnants of my sister's lawn, and think that if there was the perfect place to be in such need of various supplies...anything could definitely be found here. The less than average house keeping, combined with being the residence of both working parents, and four adventurous children, topped this lawn as the McGuyver hot spot.

I located a spoon, not far from a cereal bowl, a broken ice scraper, and a cap-less washable marker...all were too wide!

Continuing down the hillside, whipping a purple sneaker to the other side of the deck, as I remembered seeing its mate over in that general area earlier, I found...Ah... a coat hanger (naturally, with a shirt still on it and faded on one side) and I was just about to attempt to bend it into a screw driver position, when I noticed-- "Oh Shit!" Seven minutes to get to the North Java Bank... 

Suddenly, I had a solution...

The second nylon knee-high!!!!  Brilliant!

I dug through six Walmart bags of school supplies and found the little plastic container, then tied the last knee-high around the door handle, and tossed the opposite end to my oldest child...

"Here... hold on tight and don't let that sucker go!!!" I raced to the bank, taking the left turns gingerly and making up the speed through all the right turns to give my child's arm a rest. We made it just in time! My kids added three more wrappers and sucker sticks to my car floor, and the man at the tire shop down the road shared in a good laugh, when I begged for "a little door help" before I continued on...to dinner, soccer, and to rescue baby birds!   

     

Amen to the makers of the durable and multi-purpose nylons...better than any shopping cart belts, rope, or door locks, even made with control top panels to shed pounds gained from finishing all your kids' plates...but most importantly, the causes for many giggles from children, and that may continue to cure anything!

-even a bad chaotic day