***** Star Fan-Favorite Stories
Gift Shop's Rampaged Mule
I'm well aware a Country Gift Shop is not the best place for a 2yr old boy to be.. Especially, when an old miserable shopper wants to kick you in the teeth today... Bostyn was being quite abnormally good, ...I couldn't believe it myself! "No touch, 'ight mama?" he kept saying right by my side! However, what little country boy isn't going to take a cow, right at his reach, and "Moooo mooomoo" it down the table top? It was all good, since he's been sick, on and off for weeks, our " break it, buy it" fund was totally under budget, so I let him continue to carry it around.
I noticed an older, (very old) like "Birtha-Hag/Mule buster" of a woman, glaring from across the room. Foolishly, I simply believed she was squinting of poor elderly vision, and we continued with our shopping. Then, Bostyn sets down his little cow and reached for something else. Suddenly, the woman bolts at us, galloping with dominate leg leading and bad hip tracing behind... We have come across what appeared to be the "oldest leader of the gift shop mafia", 6'2, 150 yr.old, burr of a woman, and she dares to smack my kid's hand, and yell, "Get out of here," like he was a old stray cat!
She then, stomps at him with her old thick soled black shoes, and says, "Don't touch these!!" Well, I'm quite sure her knees would love to yell the same thing to her boobs, but have lived in fear for far too long! And, I am telling you this lady is so lucky for two things: One, that she has caught Bostyn on a very rare of a good day, and two: that I was raised with a great amount of morals, having geriatric respect, or I would'a... yanked that lady's 55lb purse off her hinged-leather elbow, and knocked her out!! Then, strangled her with her chained glasses, suffocated her with her plastic rain hat, and stole her big gaudy broach.
But I could guess, she was still living only because God wasn't wanting to battle her either, most likely after 5 attempts resulting in... "I don't care who the hell you are, get your hands off of me, I'm not going anywhere.." the Lord has simply let her live!
Betty White and the "Off their rockers" crew never showed, so I'm guessing this is the real deal of a Nag living far too long for, "Be happy, life's too short" to still apply to! I say, the sun is shining so take about 3 cranks out of those curlers and quit hating!!!
As for Bostyn, he was such a good boy in that store, I bought him the cow he busted, and all 5 of the suckers he unwrapped and licked at the checkout!
Take two of these, and don't shop again...
There have been those "over the edge" days where I would yank out my own uterus, with my bare hands, rather than intensify my life with another family addition... "3 is a charm, but 4 will cause harm to all involved!" And if grocery shopping doesn't surface all those feeling, times three...there is nothing that will be a clearer reminder... Well, apparently the Pharmacist filling my birth control must have to agree; I should not have anymore joy brought in my life...
Just as he is about to insist that my script had no more refills... S-M-A-S-H! Over goes the cart loaded with 6weeks of groceries, (Naturally, 2 of everything to minimize fighting over who got to put it in the cart, along with "Mom's not looking, still trying to find Bostyn in the dog food, so sneak in the cart whatever you're near") My two-year old hangs by a boot, screaming all the way, and the other two monsters hang off each side and look up in terror!!! Ah, yes we were pushing the cart backwards to pretend it was a combine chopping corn! Nice! Points scored for imagination my farm child! Indeed, it does not steer well from the narrow end, with a 30lb child in the front, wider end leading, and a sister tugging at the side to get a turn...
So, I pick up the 10 year supply of K.Y. gels and "yeast whatever" and everything else located conveniently at the pharmacist area, and now all over the floor. Including, a N,S,E,W motion over my heart, I Thank God we slammed against the condom glass and not through it! (Still not exactly understanding why the same fighters against teen pregnancy and STD's are putting condoms under lock and key, anyhow?) ...but, I hope I have at least 9 years before I open that can of worms! When...and then it comes, my four-year old says, "what is that?" (ignore her it will go away) right? ... "MOM? ...MA, is this candy?" (ooo only the edible ones, I think) and then she see's it, (thank you "Magnum" for such great pictorials) "Hey, those are wiener dog balloons the clown @ the fair makes?" ...ugh, (well we'd hope the carnies would have, not necessarily the clown) She's loud, people stare, and I'm now "50 shades of red," my cart has something leaking out of it, boxes are smashed, kids are crying (loudly) ...and then just like that, with the push of a button the pharmacist now suddenly has the authority to go ahead and fill up that (expired) script!! and quickly!! hmm!
I'm almost sure he was ready to offer me a glass of water and insist I take that 1st one on his watch. And most likely, the notification of my meds. I was asked to sign really had a contingency; that I would never, ever, bring a 4th child in that store. He offered follow-up daily reminders; courtesy to society calls, I believe he called them, for the remainder of my fertility, as well.
Now, having been in the store for nearly two torturous hours, I creep to the check outs where it's "battle of the sloths," each moving as slow as humanly possible, begging I will go to the other's line! The 13 mystery items, snuck into my cart throughout our ventures, I stuff in the magazines and onto the person's order behind me. Bostyn screams the entire check-out, and my eggs have the occasional drip as she scans them. She looks at me and says, "eeew" and I say, "put 'em in the damn bag, I may not have time to scramble in the morning" and just as the man waiting behind me thinks he's seen daylight... out comes the coupon portfolio, in all of its "been dumped 3x glory!" ...at this point of continuous, beep, beep, beep, scanning each individually, someone buys Bostyn the pack of Mn M's that he's been screaming over for 15 endless minutes. "Thanks, lightweight like that will help the next time I'm in line and your 89cents isn't!" I roll my eyes. I had drown out those screams of checkout terror long before we even approached, couldn't he handle it for 11 more coupons?
So, I take my 6ft receipt, the 3 ibuprofen the lady in front of me offered, and my 700 gas points...I tuck the child licking the magazines into a foot-ball hold, drag another by the ear, and tell the last hanging off the bottom cart rack to keep her damn fingers inside the ride, and then we're off... To the car, yep not hard to find; the only one with the back door still wide-open... I steer-wrestle the tot into his 5-point restraint, drop to my car seat exhausted, beg for mercy, and then, ..."Poop'ie, Mama!"
Thank you for shopping Tops!
Just as he is about to insist that my script had no more refills... S-M-A-S-H! Over goes the cart loaded with 6weeks of groceries, (Naturally, 2 of everything to minimize fighting over who got to put it in the cart, along with "Mom's not looking, still trying to find Bostyn in the dog food, so sneak in the cart whatever you're near") My two-year old hangs by a boot, screaming all the way, and the other two monsters hang off each side and look up in terror!!! Ah, yes we were pushing the cart backwards to pretend it was a combine chopping corn! Nice! Points scored for imagination my farm child! Indeed, it does not steer well from the narrow end, with a 30lb child in the front, wider end leading, and a sister tugging at the side to get a turn...
So, I pick up the 10 year supply of K.Y. gels and "yeast whatever" and everything else located conveniently at the pharmacist area, and now all over the floor. Including, a N,S,E,W motion over my heart, I Thank God we slammed against the condom glass and not through it! (Still not exactly understanding why the same fighters against teen pregnancy and STD's are putting condoms under lock and key, anyhow?) ...but, I hope I have at least 9 years before I open that can of worms! When...and then it comes, my four-year old says, "what is that?" (ignore her it will go away) right? ... "MOM? ...MA, is this candy?" (ooo only the edible ones, I think) and then she see's it, (thank you "Magnum" for such great pictorials) "Hey, those are wiener dog balloons the clown @ the fair makes?" ...ugh, (well we'd hope the carnies would have, not necessarily the clown) She's loud, people stare, and I'm now "50 shades of red," my cart has something leaking out of it, boxes are smashed, kids are crying (loudly) ...and then just like that, with the push of a button the pharmacist now suddenly has the authority to go ahead and fill up that (expired) script!! and quickly!! hmm!
I'm almost sure he was ready to offer me a glass of water and insist I take that 1st one on his watch. And most likely, the notification of my meds. I was asked to sign really had a contingency; that I would never, ever, bring a 4th child in that store. He offered follow-up daily reminders; courtesy to society calls, I believe he called them, for the remainder of my fertility, as well.
Now, having been in the store for nearly two torturous hours, I creep to the check outs where it's "battle of the sloths," each moving as slow as humanly possible, begging I will go to the other's line! The 13 mystery items, snuck into my cart throughout our ventures, I stuff in the magazines and onto the person's order behind me. Bostyn screams the entire check-out, and my eggs have the occasional drip as she scans them. She looks at me and says, "eeew" and I say, "put 'em in the damn bag, I may not have time to scramble in the morning" and just as the man waiting behind me thinks he's seen daylight... out comes the coupon portfolio, in all of its "been dumped 3x glory!" ...at this point of continuous, beep, beep, beep, scanning each individually, someone buys Bostyn the pack of Mn M's that he's been screaming over for 15 endless minutes. "Thanks, lightweight like that will help the next time I'm in line and your 89cents isn't!" I roll my eyes. I had drown out those screams of checkout terror long before we even approached, couldn't he handle it for 11 more coupons?
So, I take my 6ft receipt, the 3 ibuprofen the lady in front of me offered, and my 700 gas points...I tuck the child licking the magazines into a foot-ball hold, drag another by the ear, and tell the last hanging off the bottom cart rack to keep her damn fingers inside the ride, and then we're off... To the car, yep not hard to find; the only one with the back door still wide-open... I steer-wrestle the tot into his 5-point restraint, drop to my car seat exhausted, beg for mercy, and then, ..."Poop'ie, Mama!"
Thank you for shopping Tops!
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