Then you spin around to the backseat and it starts with, "I swear to God, if all four of the shopping cart wheels don't stay on the floor..." The lengthy chew-out, and then, praying again... oh, I mean I wont swear at you Lord, but if you would please, please... I'll feed orphans, rescue turtles, and stop squishing bugs, I wont even curse for the rest of the day... Any mercy available needs to be used on a shopping mother!
I pull into a spot, not the perfect one, but I didn't have to do a 7 point turn and jerk-back and forth to get in it, or get off my ass and move any carts...
A little tight to the giant van right next however, as a large guy slams his door open against mine, and pours himself down his seat, like a wet towel rolling down the hardwood stairs. He was a big boy. A bit less than blue-collar, more of the Rottweiler had chewed off his sleeves type, and I could hear and smell all his flesh rubbing down the side of my car as he shimmied out. And then he opened that back van door, and I knew, this shopping trip was not going to be any funner for him, than it was for me...
Five kids leaped to the pavement screaming, one swung out an infant carrier, and another a pair of shoes. The language started, "Why the (substitute your own string of slandered joy) don't you have your shoes on?"
All, staggered about a year apart; but we were not talking of a calm little cluster of Amish silence and timidness, here...rather, manged and rabid animals... Six of them!
My first thought was, lets start on the opposite side of the store; I'd rather have thawed and soggy frozen foods and warm milk, than fallow the aisle flow of this posse. Quickly reaching for my two year-old's hand, and there's the usual crouch down and yank away, and we're off-- blazing through another busy parking lot trying to fetch a determined toddler, once again!
In through the exit, and starting in the produce aisle as usual. There he was trying to pick up a watermelon already... My 8 year-old darting after him, but not to any assistance to me, he was merely fueling the chaos.
"If you're not going to be fast enough to catch him don't just chase..."
Barrel rolling the melon, pulling all the banana bunches apart and screaming into them like a phone... yet, I hadn't even crossed a single thing from my list or mauled through the same aisles as the "van clan"...
He wanted grapes. So, there it was; my bribing him into the cart and he could sit and eat all the unwashed Mexican shit and pesticide covering he wanted, just don't get up!
Nearly refocused on my shopping and here it comes... Pipes out in front with one cart, and the tiny little miss with five kids hanging off a second. She was extremely tiny, like-- you could tell all she had for breakfast was a carton of smokes, tiny... Not fair for having six kids. I couldn't believe someone with no lead in their ass could keep a cart of five leaping orangutans on it's wheels, when I simply never could with three...
Hooting kids diving in and out of the cart, similar to a mirror image of mine on days. Their cart was filled of cheezies, a heap of bologna, stacked higher than a fire hydrant, and a pinata sized bag of teeth rotting agent!
Was there wonder why they were unmanageable?
Then, here he came toward me, "one lane highway here Bud", and I'm on a mission; My tot was finally sitting, with eleven more items on my list and only minutes before this bag of grapes is destroyed and so is the child's underpants after eating its entirety...
His cart was lunging forward, with each step he took while laying up on the hand rest. Infant carrier on the top, and five 6pks. of bottled Mt.Dew lined up around the cart's perimeter and hanging over each of the sides. Wide load was not intimidating me...I had taken 9 kids under the age of 10 to the mall, at dinner time, on the Friday night, before Christmas! B'... you aren't scaring anyone other than the screws and welds holding up your lounging over the cart.
I was prepared to give my cart that quick spin around and lead with my rabid tot's boots and larger end of the cart in front, combine harvester style! I glared!
There would be a collision and casualties, because I wasn't moving over and either was he, it was like a draw in an old western movie. I'd like to think it was the power behind my glare but, somewhere between him spotting the Hostess display and sharing his colorful language with the passing cart full of his kids, he moved out of my path.
For once in my child full life, all eyes in store were on someone else and their banshees, and my scene-maker's mouth was grape-stuffed and silent!
An old lady passed shaking her head, half smiled to me and said, "My word!"
Maybe following behind wasn't such a bad thing after all, I was walking on clouds and my kids were sedated in amazement with the traveling zoo. It was a moment of glory, I just fit into my skinny jeans...they actually zipped...and I could bend in them without blowing out the ass, kind of glory!
Amen! Now, I guess I will be feeding orphans, rescued turtles, with tape over my mouth...as I promised God for his miracle!
GOOD ONE, THAT WAS A GOOD STORY...LOL
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