Anything that is breakable, is now broke...and even some things I would consider indestructible or never imagined could occur... they did!
For instance, you would think with my husband at the grill just around the corner of our hose faucet, a toddler playing in the water could not accomplish too much harm...wrong again!
In the time it takes a man to cook four strip steaks to medium-rare, fish out the tongs from below the grill grates, twice, and leave his empty beer can on the grill, a two year-old can flood an entire living room. Fact!
Intelligently, our outside water faucet is directly below our living room window, (I know...hasn't a contractor a single child?) and at the perfect reach for a toddler pretending to be a fireman. Pressing the hose end against the screen apparently makes just enough friction to force a stream all the way over to the furthest wall, and soak everything in between.
We weren't talking about an "ooops" someone smashed another water balloon in the house, or a toddler wet on the couch again... I could have more efficiently scooped out Lake Erie with a cracked sandbox pail, and attempted house breaking a baby dinosaur with less damage to my carpet.
Select a size...don't mind if I do...perhaps sized to damn a creek, and absorbency enough to sponge up a large pool. Hospital postpartum sanitary pads weren't even a match...
Quilted Quicker Picker Upper not so much! An entire Amish community's bed quilts weren't going to sop this monsoon. Pictures on my walls were splattered, my ceiling dripped like the one in my first apartment, and my couch was so waterlogged, it sank in the middle like a horse had spent the night on it. The kids' beanbag chairs were now heavy enough to stop a train and the dog was able to slurp a drink from my coffee tabletop.
Haha...to think the day we were eager to set up the snow-filled Christmas tree, or when my kids tried constructing a Barbie pool out of the dog dish and my recyclables, were bad days for my rug! If only...
Now, I have my carpet pad ripped up, half of my living room rug lifted to dry, and fans humming all hours of the night to continue drying my basement ceiling. That wasn't even the hardest task...just try teaching a toddler he's done something terrible, when in his eyes he sees the coolest thing ever happening to the house.
Who needed blanket forts, that were tiny and always caved in, when you could just lift up the entire carpet and produce bear cave sized excitement!
The day before, that very same mischievous boy attempted burning my house down preparing his own breakfast, as I showered. So after all, maybe it was a good thing he decided practicing his hose handling and fire fighting...
There it was...a perfect smiley face in the pan. Only one broken yolk, no shells, and smells of propane! The kid had the talent of a chef, in the speed of fast food...it was a 7min. shower!!! C'mon!
When we remodeled our kitchen, there was two things I was quite excited about... (1) the new cabinets, including my spinning lazy susan in the corner cupboard and (2) the stainless steel dishwasher finally arriving, as it was promised for four Mother's day's and three different Christmas gifts...what can I say he's a procrastinator and a romantic, that guy of mine!
Well, that lazy susan can kiss my lazy ass... It is nothing more than an area for my children to hide and scare the shit out of me, and a silent toddler ladder simply unfolding with the gentle spin of the cabinet front. At least before the screech of the chair sliding across the tiled floor or the sound of my stock pot being flipped upside down for a stool, gave warning sounds of small hands approaching the counter tops.
And the new dishwasher destruction...nailed it! We've managed to ruin that sucker in only months... My children melt crayons in the soap dispenser, bob on the opened door like preparing for a somersault from the diving board, and push buttons on the front like they're hacking into a bank vault, yet no one knows why "Error. Error" and dried egg yolk is all that displays on the front panel.
I could try to evaluate what some possible ruining causes were-- but if it wasn't from the Bat Man cape getting wrapped around the spray propeller or from the child who plated their dishes with a wad of gum still on them, I haven't a clue!
Earlier in this week:
Our well water pump burnt up... hum...too much of the kids in the garden hose???
And guess who was the only one around to help the guy fixing it...Mama!
Forget Zomba, this was the most strenuously awkward workout ever encountered, and without a running shower afterward.
"Just take this and pull," he says!
"No problem!"
I hadn't a clue I was going to be dragging and fighting an 80 foot, rust and dirt-covered, Python around my basement. I was mauled against the basement shelves, and tried to coil it while circling the wall limits. It bitch slapped me in the face, spit rusty water, and I wrestled it around like aiding two dinosaurs in breeding.
"Keep going!"
I had never seen the wienie of an erect dinosaur or artificially inseminated a rusty whale before, but I would imagine it involved similar motions...and naturally, I needed a snack and the plumber needed a smoke afterward.
My new car is flashing a service air bag light, again! Whether that sucker's gonna blow at any driving moment, or fail me when I smash'er up reaching for another rolling sippy cup... not sure! But, I've seemed to temporarily solve it by running it on only fumes, as the Low Fuel light tends to over rank its service flashing.
...and my dearest little 'einer dog has turned up operating on three legs. Lord only knows, weather it was another tangle with a chipmunk, or simply a Lego causing lacerations to the toe pad... or maybe something too incredibly rare has happen a second time-- like a small child hunched over a Tonka truck, intoxicated by kool-aide, and speeding at 11mph with failure to yield to the little 6 lb darling! yippppp!
Either way, speedy recovery my 'einer, speedy...those kids will catch you on three legs girl, Run!
So my husband and I have been desperately trying to figure out... who broke the mirror, killed the black cat, stepped on a crack, or drank the bad luck potion...
And clearly it was him...because he was the one who woke up this morning with the giant wad of gum stuck to his leg.
Although it looks like an awesome battle wound...no, it's just the Cherry-Berry bazooka, carelessly left behind in our bed...on his side, hahaha!
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| Easy ladies...those hairy legs are off limits! |
Um! Put it on the head of the bed and save it for tomorrow...
No, no don't take it off! (light bulb on) Just maybe the kids wouldn't hang around my ankles all day if they're stuck to his with bubble gum!
While some wake up on the wrong side of the bed... I wake up to the annoying lick sounds of a small dog with a sore paw, a toddler crammed so tightly against my ass you'd think he wished to return to the enclosure of my uterus, and a husband sleeping in the comfort of fruit loops and covered in bubble gum!
He asks, as he shakes his head again today, "What have I done so bad to deserve such torture?"
"Well... you had kids, dear...and they're sticking around like gum smeared in hairy legs!"
All right I've had it.. my house is so boring compared to yours. Too funny about that b gum and Luke. So when I saw you at Top's that was nothing compared to home.. ha ha ha love ya's aunt Lisa.
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